Looking after yourself when caring for someone who is dying Te tiaki i a koe anō ina manaaki ana i tētahi e mate haere ana

When someone close to you is dying, you are likely to feel:

• sad
• angry
• helpless
• anxious
• fearful.

You might also feel that you are grieving, even before the person has died. This is called anticipatory grief. You may find you are grieving for:

• how things used to be
• your relationship before the person became unwell 
• activities you cannot enjoy together anymore
• the future, or for the things you planned and hoped for which are not likely to happen.

You may also feel relief that their suffering is ending.

These are all normal reactions. Let yourself experience what you are feeling at the time.

Many carers can feel physically and emotionally drained at times. For some, this can lead to feelings of depression. If you have a history of anxiety, depression, or another mental health condition, talk to your healthcare provider or other people you trust so you can get more support.

Anxiety

Depression

It can be stressful coping with uncertainty in the last days of life. Try not to think too far ahead. Instead, focus on each day as it comes.

Sharing how you are feeling with someone you trust can help you cope.

It is important to take time to look after your own health. Even small acts of self care can have a big effect. You can try to:

• eat well and regularly
• make regular times to rest
• make time to do something which helps you cope with stress, helps you to feel good, improves your mood or makes you smile
• connect with others
• get enough sleep — you may be able to nap during the day or arrange for someone to share the care at night
• keep up some physical activity — this can help your mood as well as your physical health.

Eating well for good health

How to start getting active

It is okay to ask for and accept help from whānau and friends.

They may not offer help if they think you are coping. They might also be concerned they will be intruding or disturbing you. But being involved will make them feel they are contributing and supporting you.

Think of tasks that you can share, or others can take over, such as:

• staying with the person you care for so you can have a break
• doing household jobs such as cooking, cleaning, washing or shopping
• keeping other people updated.

There will be a range of people involved in the care of your loved one who are also there to help you.

This may include a hospital team, specialist hospice staff and a community team.

Your healthcare provider or other health professionals such as a social worker or counsellor can also help support you.

End of life planning and care

Use your local support networks such as your church, school or a sports or social club you belong to.

You may find an organised support group is helpful. It is a place where you can share experiences with other people in similar situations.

There may be times when you need to have a break. This is understandable, as being a carer can be very hard work.

While the person you are caring for may prefer you to stay with them full time, it is important to recognise when you need a break to recharge. Pushing yourself too far can cause harm to your health and your relationship with the person who is dying.

You may be able to arrange for someone else to come into the home for a few hours or days. This could be a friend or family member. Or it could be a carer from a community nursing agency.

The person you are caring for may be able to go to rest home or hospital for a short stay known as respite care.

Talk to your healthcare provider, district nurse or social worker if you need help organising carer support or respite care.

Carer Support Subsidy

You may need to look at getting financial support to help in providing care.

If you are in paid work, it can be difficult to manage this at the same time as your carer role. You may need to talk with your employer about changing your working arrangements over this time.

Financial support for end of life care